On a sunny beach, a man is sprawled out, wearing nothing but a cap over his modesty. As a woman walks by, she raises an eyebrow and says, “If you were any sort of gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.” The man grins and shoots back, “If you were any sort of a hot lady, the hat would lift by itself!”
The Talking Dog for Sale
In a neighborhood, a guy notices a sign that says, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Curious, he rings the doorbell. The owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He heads to the backyard and asks the dog, “Can you talk?”
“Yep!” the dog replies.
“Wow! What’s your story?” the guy asks.
The dog wags his tail and says, “Well, I found out I could talk when I was young. I worked as a spy for the CIA because I could sneak around and overhear important conversations. Then I did some undercover work at the airport, and now I’m just enjoying my retirement.”
Amazed, the guy turns to the owner and asks, “How much for this dog?”
“Ten dollars,” the owner answers.
“Ten dollars? Why so cheap?”
“He’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff!”
The Genie and the Three Wishes
One day, a man finds a magic lamp and gives it a good rub. Poof! A genie appears. “I will grant you three wishes,” says the genie, “but everything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
The man thinks carefully and says, “Okay, I wish for a mansion.”
“Granted, but your ex-wife now has two mansions,” the genie replies.
“For my second wish, I want a billion dollars.”
“Granted. But your ex-wife now has two billion dollars,” the genie says.
The man pauses, then grins slyly and says, “For my third wish, I want you to scare me half to death!”
The Duck and the Bartender
A duck waddles into a bar and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender shakes his head. “No, we don’t serve grapes here.”
The duck leaves but comes back the next day. “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, now a bit annoyed, replies, “I told you yesterday, no grapes!”
The duck leaves again but returns the following day. “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, getting frustrated, yells, “If you ask me for grapes one more time, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar!”
The duck leaves, but the next day, it strolls back in. “Got any nails?”
“No,” says the bartender, confused.
“Good. Got any grapes?”
The Parrot and the Burglar
One night, a burglar sneaks into a house, ready to steal valuables. Suddenly, he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” He freezes and looks around, but sees nothing. As he continues, the voice says again, “Jesus is watching you.”
He shines his flashlight around and spots a parrot. “Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m Moses,” the parrot replies.
“Moses? What kind of people name a parrot Moses?” the burglar scoffs.
“The same kind that names their Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot snaps back.
The Frog and the Loan Officer
A frog hops into a bank and asks for a loan. Ms. Patty Whack, the loan officer, looks surprised and asks, “Do you have any collateral?”
The frog pulls out a tiny porcelain elephant.
Confused, Ms. Whack goes to consult the bank manager. “There’s a frog here who wants a loan, and all he has for collateral is this tiny elephant. What should I do?”
The manager looks at the tiny elephant and chuckles, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!”
The Man in the Balloon
In a hot air balloon, a man realizes he’s lost. He spots a woman on the ground and yells, “Can you help me? I promised a friend I’d meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am!”
The woman replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above the ground. You’re at 40 degrees north latitude and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” she replies. “How did you know?”
“Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I’m still lost,” he admits.
The woman smiles and says, “You must be in management.”
“I am!” he replies, surprised. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” she explains, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You made a promise, but you have no idea how to keep it, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in the same position as before, but now it’s my fault.”
The Doctor’s Orders
A man walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, it hurts when I press my leg, my arm, and my chest. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor examines him and replies, “Your finger is broken.”
The Lawyer and the Farmer
On a country road, a lawyer is driving his shiny new car when he accidentally hits a pig. Worried, he gets out and sees the farmer approach. “I’m so sorry! I hit your pig!” the lawyer exclaims.
“No worries,” the farmer says. “But you should come to my house; I’m having a big party tonight.”
Curious, the lawyer agrees and ends up having a fantastic time, eating and drinking until the next morning. He asks, “This is the best party ever! But why did you invite me?”
The farmer smiles and replies, “Oh, I always celebrate when one of my pigs becomes a lawyer!”
The Wishing Well
Two friends are walking and stumble upon a wishing well. One friend leans in and says, “Wow, I wish I had a million dollars!” Suddenly, a million dollars falls from the sky!
The second friend looks at the well and exclaims, “I wish I had my dream house!” Just like that, a mansion appears.
“This is amazing! Let’s keep wishing!” says the first friend. He leans in and says, “I wish I had the best car in the world!” A brand-new sports car appears out of nowhere.
Feeling a bit left out, the second friend leans over and wishes, “I wish I had the best wife in the world!”
Suddenly, the first friend’s wife appears right before them!
The Boss and the Employee
Finally, an employee walks into his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I need a raise. There are three companies after me.”
The boss raises an eyebrow and asks, “Which companies are those?”
The employee grins and replies, “The electric company, the phone company, and the water company!”
