I couldn’t believe my ears when Jake handed me a schedule, claiming it would help me “become a better wife.” But instead of getting angry and yelling, I decided to stay calm. Little did he know, I was about to teach him a lesson that would make him rethink this ridiculous idea.
I’ve always thought of myself as the more level-headed one in our marriage. Jake, on the other hand, tends to get carried away with new hobbies or random YouTube videos about life-changing tips. He’s the kind of guy who gets all excited about the latest trend and wants to try it right away. But we were doing okay until Jake met Steve.
Steve, well, he was a piece of work. He had this loud, opinionated personality that made him believe he was always right, even if he was talking over you. He was single — surprise, surprise — but he still loved giving relationship advice to all of his married colleagues, including Jake. Jake, for some reason, thought Steve had all the answers and started paying more attention to his advice.
At first, I didn’t think much of it. But soon, I began to hear little comments that made me raise an eyebrow.
“Steve says that relationships work better when the wife takes charge of the household,” Jake would say casually. Or, “Steve thinks it’s really important for women to always look good for their husbands, even after they’ve been married for a while.”
I would roll my eyes and make some sarcastic comment, but it started to bother me. Jake was changing. He’d raise his eyebrows if I didn’t cook dinner every night, and he’d sigh whenever I let the laundry pile up. It felt like he was criticizing me more and more, and it was wearing me down.
Then came the fateful night. Jake came home with The List. He sat me down at the kitchen table, unfolded a piece of paper, and slid it across to me.
“I’ve been thinking,” he began, his voice dripping with condescension. “You’re a great wife, Lisa. But I think there’s room for improvement.”
My eyes went wide. “Oh really?”
He nodded like he was about to reveal some secret. “Yeah. Steve helped me realize that our marriage could be better if you, you know, stepped up a bit.” I stared at the paper in front of me. It was a schedule titled “Lisa’s Weekly Routine for Becoming a Better Wife” — in bold letters, no less.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My husband, who’d always been my partner, had actually sat down and written out my entire week. He wanted me to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to make him a gourmet breakfast, go to the gym to “stay in shape,” and then clean the house, do the laundry, and cook dinner — all before I left for my full-time job.
Oh, and I was supposed to cook from scratch every evening and make snacks for Jake and his friends when they came over to hang out.
It was not just sexist; it was insulting. I didn’t even know where to start. My mind raced, but I kept a calm expression on my face.
“This will be great for you, and for us,” Jake said, still oblivious to the storm he was stirring. “Steve says structure is really important, and I think you could benefit from—”
“I could benefit from what?” I interrupted, keeping my voice unnervingly calm. Jake blinked, surprised, but quickly recovered.
“Well, you know, from having some guidance and a schedule,” he said, as though it was the most normal thing in the world.
I wanted to throw that paper in his face, but instead, I did something that surprised even me: I smiled sweetly. “You’re right, Jake,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “I’m so lucky that you made me this schedule. I’ll start tomorrow.”
The relief on his face was instant, like I had given him exactly what he wanted. I almost felt bad for him. Almost. He had no idea what was coming.
The next day, I couldn’t help but smile as I looked at the list again. If Jake thought he could hand me a ridiculous schedule like this, then he was about to learn a big lesson. I grabbed my laptop, opened a new document, and titled it: “Jake’s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.” Oh, he wanted structure? I’d give him structure.
I started by listing everything Jake had put on the schedule. First, the gym membership. The personal trainer he wanted me to hire? $1,200. The organic, free-range food Jake was so obsessed with? That came to $700 a month. I added it all up, laughing to myself. Oh, this was going to be good.
But I wasn’t done yet. If Jake wanted me to dedicate myself full-time to his absurd routine, then I’d need to quit my job. And if I wasn’t working, he’d need to replace my salary. I grabbed a calculator and added up my salary: “$75,000 per year to replace Lisa’s salary since she will now be your full-time personal assistant, maid, and chef.”
I could barely stop laughing at this point. But wait — there was more! If he wanted to have his friends over regularly, they’d need a designated space where they wouldn’t disrupt my new routine. I added, “$50,000 to build a ‘man cave’ so Jake and his friends don’t disrupt Lisa’s schedule.”
When I was done, the list was a masterpiece. It was a logistical and financial nightmare — but it was the perfect response. I printed it out, set it on the kitchen counter, and waited for Jake to come home.
That evening, Jake came through the door, smiling. “Hey, babe,” he greeted, dropping his keys on the counter. His eyes quickly landed on the list. “What’s this?”
I kept my face neutral, trying not to laugh. “Oh, it’s just a little list I put together for you,” I said sweetly, “to help you become the best husband ever.”
Jake chuckled, thinking I was playing along. But as he read the first few lines, I saw the smile fade. His eyes widened, and I could almost see the realization hitting him that this wasn’t a joke.
“Wait… what is all this?” he asked, squinting at the numbers. “$1,200 for a personal trainer? $700 for groceries? What the hell, Lisa?”
I leaned against the counter, crossing my arms. “Well, you want me to wake up at 5 a.m., hit the gym, make gourmet breakfasts, clean, cook, and entertain your friends. I figured we should budget for all of that, don’t you think?”
Jake’s face drained of color as he flipped through the pages. “$75,000 a year? You’re quitting your job?”
I shrugged. “How else am I supposed to follow your plan? I can’t work and be the perfect wife, right?”
Jake just stared at the paper, his eyes going wide with realization. His plan — his whole idea — was utterly ridiculous.
“I… I didn’t mean…” Jake started, his voice trembling. “Lisa, I didn’t realize how… how bad it was. I just thought —”
“You thought what? That I could be ‘fixed’ like a project?” I interrupted. “Jake, marriage isn’t about following lists. It’s about respect.”
Silence filled the kitchen. Jake looked at me, guilt washing over his face. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t see it before. I’ve been such a fool.”
I nodded. “Yeah, you have. And honestly, have you looked at Steve’s life? What makes you think he knows anything about marriage?” I let the words sink in.
Jake sighed deeply, realizing how misguided he had been. “You’re right. He has no idea about what it takes to make a marriage work. I got carried away.”
I smiled, the tension starting to lift. “Let’s tear up that list and go back to being equals.”
Jake nodded and gave me a small smile. “Yeah. Let’s do that.”
We ripped up the paper together, and for the first time in weeks, I felt like we were back on the same team. Marriage wasn’t about one person trying to be “better” than the other. It was about being better together.
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