New love, new happiness. Anyone who has had past relationships inevitably brings them into a new partnership. But how and whether you should really talk about them is another matter.
When relationships end, anger, disappointment, or sadness often remain. These are feelings some people might want to discuss with the whole world. It’s perfectly fine to talk about them with close friends and family. However, when a new person enters your life, stories about your ex can be unsettling.
To a certain extent, it is advisable to talk about past relationships, says Dorothea Behrmann, a breakup coach from Hamburg: “Because it is part of who a person is, what their love life looked like before.” You want to get to know the other person and are usually curious about how long their relationships typically lasted. This can give some insight into how the new flame handles love affairs.
Suppress Emerging Jealousy
The other party should try to suppress any emerging jealousy or rivalry during such conversations and respect that previous relationships were also important.
However, one should be cautious with such topics on the first date, advises Filomena Lorenz, a couples and sex therapist from Stuttgart. It also depends on how old both people are when they meet. A young person going on a first date is different from an older person who might be divorced and have children to inform their date about.
Make a Plan Before the Date
Lorenz recommends making a plan before the first date: “What do I want to reveal about myself? I wouldn’t share my entire life story. And under no circumstances should you compare the two people!”
Behrmann suggests being sensitive and reserved with the new partner regarding stories about the ex. Still: “In my opinion, it is part of being honest and authentic from the beginning.”
So, should the new partner know why the previous relationship didn’t work out to assess if that would also be a deal-breaker for them? “The new partner might be interested, and the topic could come up naturally,” Behrmann admits.
The new partner should have the chance to say if they’ve heard enough. This means that the listener should pay attention to how they are feeling at the moment and is allowed to say, “Now I don’t want to talk about your exes anymore.”
Talking About Ex-Partners Hurts? Address It!
“I would then specifically address that the conversations are becoming too much for me, hurting me, or giving me the impression that the old relationship still occupies too much space,” says Behrmann. In this case, she would ask what might still be bothering the partner.
For Thomas Krüger, a couples therapist from Dresden, a relationship is enriching when one reflects on the past: “When my partner talks about someone with whom they had a social connection in the past, it is respectful to look back at that person lovingly.”
However, one should become alert if there is a lack of respect. “If someone complains, there is still resentment and hatred involved, and that is a sure sign that the old relationship has not been fully closed and processed,” analyzes Dorothea Behrmann.
She advises talking about the ex more neutrally: “Raving about or making comparisons is not beneficial for the new, still-fresh love.” And the experts agree on one thing: Stories about intimate things, emotions, and eroticism are taboo.
